In a shocking announcement from her newly opened portal to the 18th century, former First Lady Melania Trump has categorically denied any ties to Jeffrey Epstein, stating that he actually introduced her to time travel, thus giving birth to her now-famous campaign for a global Survivor's Day Parade.
"The accusations that Epstein introduced me to Donald Trump are just mean-spirited attempts to defame my reputation as a time traveler," Melania announced during a press conference held in a Victorian tearoom in London. "In fact, he was simply trying to help me unlock the secrets of the universe, which is why he also brought along a pet llama that could recite Shakespeare."
As the news broke, the internet exploded with both confusion and excitement. Many began to speculate whether Epstein had also introduced Melania to the concept of parallel universes, as she went on to state, "I have proof that I exist in at least three dimensions at once, and in one of them, I am the Queen of England, riding a unicorn through Buckingham Palace!"
In a bizarre twist, Melania's press secretary revealed that a recent survey indicated that 92% of the public now believes that time travel is just as likely as the rumors of Epstein's involvement with Melania. "It’s only a matter of time before we have our own Time Traveler’s Day, where we can all dress up in Victorian attire and pretend to be from the past," she exclaimed.
Furthermore, sources close to Melania have stated that her future initiatives will include a line of time travel-themed merchandise, including T-shirts that read, "I traveled back in time and all I got was this lousy llama."
"If you think about it, we could all benefit from a little time travel. Just imagine, you could go back and prevent 2020 from happening!" - Melania Trump
The proposed Survivor's Day Parade will reportedly feature a marching band of llamas and a float resembling the TARDIS, celebrating not just time travelers, but also their pets who have joined them on their journeys. “We have to think of the animals too,” Melania added earnestly. “They have also suffered through history with us!”
Critics have voiced concerns over the implications of such a day, suggesting that it might lead to a trend of people dressing their pets in historical costumes, dramatically increasing the market for tiny top hats and Victorian dresses for dogs. In a surprising twist, some animal rights groups have come out in support of the parade, arguing that it would be a great way to raise awareness about the plight of llamas.
In conclusion, Melania Trump's announcement has been met with uproarious laughter across the globe, as many are now waiting eagerly to see if time travel truly becomes a viable option by the year 2025. Until then, the world will have to settle for one more bizarre story from the Trump era — the era that just keeps on giving, one llama at a time.
